Off to the fair!

Sometimes I truly wonder if I was meant to be skinny.... I am the odd duck out where ever I look, the biggest in my family and the biggest out of all my friends.. I really does bother me... Why can't I be like everyone else?  I guess it would be boring if we were all the same.

When I was younger my parents would bug me about my weight... ALWAYS telling me I needed to lose it...so what did that make me do? eat more...what pre teenager ever listened to their parents....I remember eating things that were were clearly disgusting, but b/c it was what my parents didn't want me to do, I did it, just to be difficult.  I remember crying b/c they would bring my weight up all the time....Having two girls of my own, I sure hope I dont bug them about their weight if they are overweight.  I want to support them and love them unconditionally! (what parent wouldn't)  The worst thing my parents could have done was harass me about this.  do I blame them?? no... or do I?  I love them but it really did hurt me.  I took diet pills in jr. high and high school.  I was in my neighbors wedding and to lose weight I was on slimfast when I was around 14....DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!

I was atheletic...LOVED skating, baseball and swimming.  Now, I know I couldn't do any of those if I tried.  I want to be able to with my girls...If I can stay positive and work hard toward my goals I will be able to do ALL of those again.  Would love to swim across the lake and back again without doing the doggie paddle or someone throwing me a life jacket!!!!!!!!  Help my daughter learn to skate, not her teaching me how!!!!!!! Throw a ball so my arms dont hurt or run around ALL the bases not have someone else do it for me!!!!!!!

But most of all, the goal I am working towards right now is being able to take my daughters on fair rides and not watch my husband do it b/c I am too fat to fit on the rides.  It's embarrasing and hurtful!!!!!  So, here we go B and P, in July we r off to the FAIR!!!!!!!!

Mood: excited

Content

Overall, I had another successful day.... I had points left over and even said "no" a few times...It was hard but I managed to work through it... I would've chewed more gum to help my cravings tonight but dang, my teeth are still sore from that cleaning yesterday LOL.

I have a thought to ponder... WW seems to be revolving around Jen Hudson and all this weight she lost... (I'm thrilled for her, she must be above the moon) well what about all the other women who have lost under and over what she has lost. Why is she so important?  celebrity figure I guess.  I give credit to all my friends who are succeeding and trying, we are ALL just as important and she is NO different than any of us.  The attention on her seems to be a bit much...that's all.  Am I wrong?  I would also like to see new WW commercials (or Jenny for that matter) involving everyday people... That would make it more "real life" for me.


I wonder what tomorrow will bring... More positive eating habits I hope.  I felt pretty good today, still tired/had a nap but I enjoy it! LOL

mood: content  

 

Small but Huge Success

Well, I must say I have been VERY proud of myself the past 2 days... I have had points left over, such a small but huge success....Sure I havent eaten as healthy as I could (again) but it will come.  I am definitenly watching what I eat now.  I have this feeling though one of these days I am going to have a slip and binge on junkfood utnil it makes me sick....I really hope that doesn't happen!! (remember: its mind over matter)

Today I had a checkup at the dentist...(NO CAVITIES, YAY ME!!!!) and as I was sitting in the waiting room chair I looked over to my upper right and could see myself in the mirror...I was pretty ashamed the way I looked... I quickly pulled down my shirt (which was long anyway) as far as it would go and looked sheepishly around to see if anyone else noticed the "fat" girl sitting in the chair.  Come on, they have to notice, right??....I wondered what the adults thought...and then the kids, what did they think...or did they notice...the one kid never, he was too busy playing with his gameboy to even notice anything around him.  I'm a pretty outgoing person but at times, I just can't be bubbly when I see myself the way I am.  They were late calling me in, so for about 20 mins I tried not too look in that damn mirror..but me being somewhat, obsessive compulsive, would look out of the corner of my eye and see that lonely figure in the mirror calling for help.  It made the voice in me want to say, I'm right here, it will be ok, we just need to stay positive and work through this rough merry-go-ride together.  I truly hope people see me for what is on the inside and not what I look like on the outside...I know my girls and my husband love me for who I am, but is that enough?? when will I love myself the way they love me and not judge myself from the way I look on the outside?

I think tomorrow is going to be an ok day...I am looking forward to making meals and seeing how many points I can save for the day...I have already been eating healthier for a few days now and I dont seem to mind it at all, just a lot of getting used to.  Pretty soon it wont bother me watching my family eat "junk" food around me... the cravings will be gone!!! and if they are not, then I will fight through one craving at a time...

The weather better smarten up soon...I am anxious to take my girls out in the stroller.  B has so much energy and I want to help her burn it off, I feel horrible we r stuck indoors all day.  Also, if the weather smartens up, I can get DH out with us... He promised me he would go for walks with us.  I sure hope he keeps his promise, I know B would love to have him around with us, I would appreciate it myself... It's always nice to have someone to exercise with!!

Bring on tomorrow world... I am ready to battle the day (with a nap of course with my beautiful girls hehehe)  I hope one day I dont need a nap, but right now I just dont have enough energy to get me through the day..I plan on changing that A.S.A.P.!!

mood tonight: optimistic!!!!!

OOPS I did it again!!!

yup, I failed....and thought I did so good.  Not until I calculated my points did I realize that OMG this was bad.  60 points I ate for the day.  I am pretty embarrased. When you have to calculate every single little thing that goes into your month, it really makes you truly stop, think and take ownership.  Take my glass (2 cups roughly) of 3/4 white. milk and 1/4 choc. milk.  That alone was 5 points.  I had already eaten my breakfast b4 I could calculate it for the day and that hurt me.  Supper, I knew it was going to be bad but I went through with it anyway.  Snacking... all I have to say about this is D.A.M.N.  I made oatmeal raisin cookies and had a few b4 I packaged them.... I calculated high points there... better to be over than under!!!!!! It's a learning process and I just need to stick through it, thick or thin (NO pun intended LOL)

Tomorrow is a new day and another new start.  I'm still not going to give up... Let's hope tomorrow is a nice day out and I can take my girls out in the stroller.  It has to be nice enough out to take Pepper b/c she is a bit too young yet to be breathing in that cold air, besides, the exercise will be refreshing and do me a ton of good!!!

One thing I have started is a booklet of things I eat on a regular basis.   I write down what the item is... how many carbs, fats, protien, and fibre each thing has..... its serving size, and points.  This way I can quickly look it up and dont have to spend time looking for things in other books or the internet and calculating the points value everytime...This way it's right at the end of my finger tips..  So far I am finding it very helpful.  A bit time consuming to be writing but if it helps me, then it is so well worth it.

Let's hope tomorrow goes a bit better than today and even yesterday. 

Day 1

 Well, I dont think I would say today was a total loss.... Could I have done better?? forsure... Why didn't I... unsure... It's the damn snacking that get's me.  I bought this delicous cake the other day and there was 2 pieces left so I ate them.  Earl doesn't like it, and well B doesn't need it...neither do I but I couldn't throw it out, or could I?  The upside to me eating it?? IT'S GONE!!!  I also had a bowl of ice cream after supper.

I never did track my meals today b/c I was unsure how to use my WW calculator, but Val sent me a link to the instructions and I know how to use it now...

I just need to tell myself this isn't a diet, b/c as soon as I label it a diet I will fail.  So, to me it's a lifestyle change.  I can eat whatever I want, I am just going to choose not to.  If I tell myself I can't have it, I want it...so if I choose not to eat it at that very moment, then I have succeeded.

I am not afraid to say... Hello, my name is Megan and I have an eating disorder.  The 1st step in ANY recovery is admitting you have a problem...well I Have a problem and I want to make it better.  Why does food have to be so damn good???? 

As I take a drink of my water...cheers to you, and cheers to another day tomorrow and may it even be more successful than today..  Heck...maybe I'll even weigh myself in the morning...or not!!

Struggling

Well, I don't know where to start...I'm unsure why it is so difficult to lose weight this time around.  Could it be b/c I have what I want? my very own children?? After losing our adoptive daughter in 2007, I vowed that I would one day have my very own children and wouldn't have to rely on someone else giving me their child.  I got down to business,  lost 55lbs in 5 months and ended up getting pregnant after 12+yrs of trying to get pregnant due to an infertility problem called PCOS.  A short few months after having my first daughter Bridjette who was born in Jan. 2009, I was THRILLED to find out I was pregnant again!!!! Who knew it would've been this easy a second time around!!! In Oct. 2010 I gave birth to my second daughter Pepper....  I felt so blessed...in less than 2 yrs I had 2 beautiful pregnancies which resulted in 2 beautiful daughters.... BUT being pregnant had a downside ..the horrid weight gain.  Now, I am in a battle one more time to lose most the weight that I worked so hard to lose. 

I want to lose this weight not only for me but for my girls. I want to be around and watch them do so many things like go to their 1st day of school, get their license, guide them through their 1st heartbreak, graduate, get married, and have their own children...is that too much to ask? 

So, let March 19th 2011 be a new beginning....my short term goal?  make it through one day at a time... my midterm goal?  not be the fat mom who has to watch their daughter go on all the fair rides (in July) with their dad but actually be the one who goes on them with her... my long term goal?  stay healthy and alive long enough to watch my beautiful daughters grow into the most amazing people and be someone they can be proud of.